R.I.P. Telephone Conversation

When was the last time you had a real conversation on the telephone?

I don't mean the last time you picked up that randomly dialed marketing call and felt like taking a 10-minute survey to see if you could really win a trip to the Bahamas.

I don't mean the last time you took a polite call from a fundraiser, and you didn't want to be rude, so you listened... and listened ... and listened ... until you agreed to some kind of pledge.

I don't mean the weekly call to your parents to hear the latest on their health issues, their house problems and the latest obituaries in The Jersey Journal.

And, I don't mean the five-minute call to your sister to commiserate about the weekly call to your parents about their health issues, their house problems, etc.  That doesn't count.

I mean a real bona fide conversation on the phone. A "Gee...I've been thinking about Joe/Janet...I wonder how they are doing...I should give them a call" conversation. The kind where you might actually sit down in a comfortable chair and your sole activity is making that call and having a -- conversation.  Who does that any more?

The telephone is dead and technology has ruined the art of conversation.

Talking at Each Other, Not With Each Other

Much has been studied about the impact technology is having on conversations and how we interact with each other. Sherry Turkle, a professor in Science, Technology and Society at M.I.T. and the author of 'Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age," has studied this phenomenon for 15 years. Her conclusion is not that we aren't talking any more.  We are "talking" all the time in texts, emails, etc., but we are talking at each other, not with each other. Fascinating research that you can read more about here, here and here.

Where I notice it most is in the death of the telephone conversation. My thirteen year-old daughter Emma has a cell phone, or should I say a smart phone. She texts.  Watches videos. Snaps photos for Instagram. I am certain that I am the only one who knows her phone number and has ever actually called her (even her mother only texts her).

When I take Emma's phone away for a few days, she is incapable of communicating with her friends. "Dad, can I have my phone back? I need to find out something for homework." When I suggest that she actually use our house phone to "call" her friend about the night's homework you would think I had suggested she suggest she send a letter via Pony Express. "I can't do that!"

A Nervous Rite of Passage 

I used to call my friends' houses all the time. It was an adventure and an art form.  I can still see the AT&T TrimLine phone hanging on the kitchen wall. You had to stretch and unwind the phone cord into the room next to the kitchen and close the door for privacy. Two minutes later you were yelling at your parents for picking up on another line. The phone was the communications hub of a house.

You never knew who would actually answer the phone when you called a friend's house.  You actually had to introduce yourself to someone, show some manners, maybe even have some brief chit chat with an adult. My friend Karen came from a big family, and in high school we talked on the phone all the time (Well, I called her all the time, but that's another story). As a result of those calls, I got to know her parents and her whole family after four years of high school and they got to know me.

My kids will never know the teenage torture of "calling a girl."  A nervous rite of passage when I grew up. There was the time you spent thinking about what you would say ... why were you calling? Was there some point to the call ... homework, gossip, weekend plans? There was the preparation for whomever might answer the call.  Her father... mother... brother.  It could take a whole night just to work up the courage to call a girl -- only to get her father on the other end who might tell you sternly that she was sleeping, in the shower or out with her friends.  Ugh!

And, do you remember how long people would talk on the phone. In the days before "call waiting," teens actually had to fight over phone time with their siblings and their parents, or be told, "You've been on the phone for an hour, Mary Jane.  Hang up and do your homework."

Reach Out and Touch Someone

The truth is my kids don't really know how to "use" a telephone or what it is really for.  They exchange information -- or moronic jokes - in short bursts of texting, not conversations. They use mini-computers called smart phones -- they're not really phones. The telephone has become a relic for direct marketing calls, political campaigns and confirming dentist appointments.

I may be in the minority, but I still get excited when the phone rings, actually rings.  Do you remember those AT&T Reach Out and Touch Someone commercials?

I always enjoy the mystery of who might be on the other end (damn Caller ID ruined that). And, on less hectic days, I enjoy the time to sit down, talk and catch up with friends. That happens a lot less often nowadays.

This week, maybe I'll "go retro," pick up the phone, and call an old friend just to talk. Wouldn't that be nice?

Now, where is Karen's phone number? I am sure I must have it somewhere in my smart phone.  :)