Father's Day has arrived again this year. Time once again to ponder the the unique parenting perspective of Dads and try to offer some humor and truth.
At this point in my life, I am the father of two special teenage girls and one precocious nine-year-old boy. On any given day, they can make me beam with pride, roar with laughter, or want to bang my head into a wall -- repeatedly.
Having conversations with my kids can be a struggle nowadays.
- I drove Emma,(15 years old) to high school every day this year, and the rides were most often me asking questions about school, current events, weekend plans, etc., and getting hollow, rehearsed responses or blank stares from someone who stayed up way too late and was in dire need of caffeine. I even took to reading parenting advice columns that suggested more thought-provoking questions like "What made you smile today? What did you learn today? If you were a flower, what would you be?" You get the picture. You can imagine the weird looks and responses.
- Most nights, I will pick up Tess (13 years old) from dance class. We have 10 minutes, just me and her -- a perfect chance to catch up on those precious father-daughter moments. I can remember when she was 4 years-old and we would have our special one-on-one time going for hot chocolate before school, just me and her. She loved those daddy-daughter dates. Today, she jumps in the car and immediately starts scrolling through Instagram and takes over my car radio. When I ask for five minutes of "no radio, no phone," I get the classic teenager eye roll and "I am listening, Dad." I get frustrated. She gets frustrated. By the time I roll into the driveway, one of us is usually slamming a car door or swearing they are not driving home with the other one any more.
- Will (9 years old) is still young enough that he can be fooled into a conversation and even seem to like it some days, He will take the dog for a walk with me or ride in the car on errands and chat away. But in order to get five minutes about school (It's soooo boring) or other things in his life, I have to try and follow a 15-minute discussion about the latest Super Mario video game he has played or watched on YouTube.
So, I started to think, "If I only have a few precious moments when my children will actually be listening to me, then what are the most meaningful phrases and sentiments I should share more often."
"I was wrong and I'm sorry."
Nothing gets my kids attention faster than when Dad admits he is wrong or says he is sorry. They all joke about how I can never apologize or admit I am wrong. This may sometimes... occasionally..., once-in-a-blue-moon... actually ... be true for two simple reasons. First, I am rarely wrong, and second I am very stubborn.
It may be a trivia question on television (a tomato is not a fruit!), ... an answer for homework (I don't care what your teacher thinks of the Oxford comma...), or a severe punishment that may have been given in haste (If you don't take out the recycling now, you are going to be locked in your room without a phone, food, or water for 60 days!!!). The point is when I actually do say I was wrong or I am sorry, they actually listen. They usually smile. And, they (or we) might even learn it's okay not to be right all the time."I understand."
Understanding means going beyond the "When I was your age, the same thing happened to me..." story. I have plenty of those and they don't always go over well. Understanding means empathizing and really sitting in their shoes.
For example, we all have frustrating days at work. Sometimes even when you are the expert and know more than anyone in the room about a certain topic, you can still get overruled. In some cases, rank can still matter more than knowledge. I was having one of those days when it struck me that this was exactly how my kids felt with me some days. I would tell them that they had to do something, and they would say in an exasperated tone, "Dad, this makes no sense.... It's not fair." So on one of my infamous rides to school with Emma, I told her about a situation at work and my little epiphany about how she must feel with me. I told her how I "understood" firsthand how frustrating it can be and that even I had to listen to other people and do things that might not make sense to me. Just because you are right doesn't always mean you win. I couldn't tell her it wouldn't happen again, but I could tell her I would listen better and be more understanding of how it made her feel."I am proud of you."
We all take for granted that our kids know how proud we are of them, but they really don't. It's much easier for them to hear the nagging or the criticism and think we are disappointed in them.That harsh message can come through loud and clear, rather than the affirming tone of I am proud of you and I believe in you.
The reality is that every kid's goal is to make their parents proud and we should never take for granted that they know that. When Tess decided on her own that she wanted to help teach dance classes, she wrote her teacher a "adult-like" note asking to volunteer, suggesting a schedule, etc., (all without us even knowing), I was so impressed with her confidence, her drive and her initiative. When my wife told me what she did, I asked Tess to tell me about it and I told her how proud I was of her for doing that. She'll never admit it, but it mattered. ;)
"I love you."
There are no more
powerful words than I love you, and sadly these words seem to get harder to say
to our kids as they get older. My little guy Will still gives me great big
hugs, and I tell him how much I love him all the time. When he makes me laugh
with his sarcastic comments, I tell him I love him and his jokes. When he
uses the word "amalgamation" in a sentence and tells me he was bored
in school and found the word when he was reading the dictionary, I tell him I
love him and he amazes me all the time.
The words "I love you" can become a bit cliche or be embarrassing as kids get older ... "Oh, Dad... please (insert eye roll or furrowed brow here). They can be left unsaid for so long that we forget their meaning and power. Don't let that happen. This Father's Day, find the moment. Say the words with meaning. You'll find they can go even better with a hug.
