Happy Father's Day -- Life Lessons from Emma's Dad

Today, I am proud to introduce the first ever guest post for my "Truth Is..." blog.  A few months ago, my daughter Emma had to write and deliver an original speech for her forensics team, and she decided it would be the perfect opportunity to tell everyone about the "life lessons" her father has imparted to her over 14 years. You won't be able to enjoy her dramatic delivery as I did, but the witty writing stands well on its own. She's talented at writing -- and embarrassing her dad. My only caveat is that -- like her father -- Emma is not beyond using an exaggeration or two for the sake of a laugh or good story telling. Be gentle on me. Enjoy and Happy Father's Day to all the dads who share their own life lessons every day!

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"Life Lessons"

All kids have rules, even if we don’t like to follow them.  There is basically a rule for everything: homework, bedtime, chores. You name it, there’s a rule for it.  Although the rule does depend on which parent makes it.  For my mom, the rules are simple: do your chores, clean up after yourself, say please and thank you, and don’t embarrass her. 

With my Dad, it’s a completely different story.  His rules consist of so many strange things that it will make your head spin.  My Dad calls them “life lessons”, which are really rules in disguise. So far, I have been given the honor of receiving, well, A LOT of “life lessons”.   I will now share with you my top five favorites.

Three Squares

Life Lesson Number One: “Three Squares”.  Surprisingly one of Dad’s “life lessons” has to do with toilets.  It is basically pointed directly at me.  Dad’s rule is, you can only use three squares of toilet paper no matter how messy it is.  Gross, right?  Of course I always cheat on this “life lesson” because, three squares? Really?  

Life Lesson Number Two: “The Sunday Rules.”  What is the worst day of the week for you?  I bet you’ll say Monday.  Everyone hates Mondays.  My most dreaded day of the week?  Sunday.  On Sunday, we go to church.  Now I know it’s not very Catholic of me to hate this day, but in my defense, that day is when Dad’s “Sunday Rules” are enforced.  The “Sunday Rules” include get up early, get dressed for church, eat breakfast, and go to church on time.  Simple, right?  Wrong.  It’s basically a boot camp in my house on Sundays.  If everyone, including my mom, isn’t up and completely ready by 9:30, Dad will throw one of his, “Dad Fits.”  Trust me, a “Dad Fit” is not pretty.  A Dad Fit is when dad yells, but thinks he is not yelling.  He calls it “raising his voice.”

Sammy is not my dog.

Life Lesson Number Three: “Not My Dog.”  This summer we got a new dog, called Sammy.  In my opinion, he is one of the most adorable dogs ever.  Of course with every perfection there comes a flaw.  He absolutely loves to use the bathroom in the house.  Then my mom and dad always argue over who has to clean up the “incident”.  My dad’s favorite argument is that Sammy is my mom’s dog and not his.  He uses this with everything to do with the dog.  If the dog has to be taken out, he’ll always respond with “Not my dog.”  If the dog is tearing a magazine apart, Dad says “Not my dog.”  Dad’s “life lesson?”  If it wasn’t your idea, you have the ultimate out.  Sometimes I wish I could apply this rule to my homework. 

Life Lesson Number Four: “The Rough House Rule.”  As everyone in my house knows, Dad is in charge.  And like every great or not-so-great ruler, they can abuse their power.  But even kings have to have a little fun every once in a while.  What dad doesn’t love playing and getting dirty with their kids?”  And what kid doesn’t love to see their dad let loose?  But this happy playtime sadly does not last.  When Dad gets hurt, the dream turns into a nightmare.  Everything stops and there’s that moment where no one knows what to do.  By the way, Dad’s major injuries usually involves his glasses.  Dad’s “life lesson”? All rough housing stops when Dad gets hurt. 

Emma and Dad -- not on a Sunday,
but a fun day

Life Lesson Number Five: “Airline Parent.”  My final favorite “life lesson” is actually one that Dad made up for just himself.  The life lesson?  Always be an airline parent.  The rule on the airplane is that in case of emergency put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you help your child.  My dad lives and breathes this rule.  He gets to the shower first.  He makes his plate of dinner first.  He gets in the car first.  And you can be sure that if he is on an airplane sitting next to me and those oxygen masks come down, he’s going to put his on first.  Because, that’s the rule.

Oh, there are many more “life lessons” that I could share.  But even with all of these “life lessons”, my dad will always be the best dad in the world.  Now I know many of you have given this title to your dad.  I’m quite sure you have “Dad rules” in your house that could rival mine.  Dads can be real pains and have some crazy rules, but all of the “life lessons” are because they really care.  Those life lessons are actually “I love you” lessons.  PLUS it gives Mom and I lots of things to laugh at.  The truth of the matter is, I love my Dad… “life lessons” and all.