50 years married? That's love. Real love.

We celebrated my parents' 50th wedding anniversary this weekend with family and friends.  Fifty years?  Wow.

Think about it.  Fifty years ago, there were about 3 billion people in the world.  Today, there are more than 7 billion (and my parents only contributed me, my sister and five grandchildren ... slackers).  Fifty years ago, the average cost of a house was $13,000, the average cost of a new car was $2,500 and a gallon of gas was 31 cents.  Today, people build treehouses for $13,000.

Truth is ... you don't last 50 years without being in love ... real love.  Not the Nora Ephron romantic comedy love. Or the Hallmark, tearjerker commercial love. It's the "I've seen you at your best, your worst, your highest, your lowest" kind of love -- and it's beautiful.

Bill and Gerry -- 50 years

Bill and Gerry went to Snyder High School together in Jersey City back in the 1950s.  Dad spent time in the Air Force, traveling to exotic places like Mt. Hebo, Oregon, before having a career at AT&T Bell Labs.  And, Mom served as an executive secretary at a shipping company in Harborside in downtown Jersey City. And after being a stay-at home mom, later in life she was an office manager for a chiropractor and a secretary at St. Peter's College (read about her tales of wisdom in this earlier blog).  

They shared their vows at St. Paul’s Church on May 8, 1965, just a few miles from where we had their party on Saturday.  They have lived in the same Greenville neighborhood their whole lives. First on Danforth Avenue, then two blocks over to Terhune Ave. Then another block over to McAdoo Avenue.  They are not world travelers ... not millionaires ... not quoted in The Sunday New York Times.  But, after 50 years, they know a thing or two about love ... real love.

It's the Love, Real Love...

Their love has grown over 50 years and shown itself in all the little ways.  It's the love that allows you to keep quiet -- and still smile -- when your wife tells you the same story for the hundredth time in 50 years about the time the Pepsi truck lost its parking brake and demolished your car on Fowler Avenue.  It's the love that allows you to keep reading your book when your husband snores so loud in his chair that it could wake the dead -- but he insists he's not tired or ready to go to bed.

It’s the love that perseveres through struggles -- losing your parents and loved ones -- and holds you up through tough days of sickness and surgery.  It's the love that sees you through depressing times and life's unexpected changes.  Love that makes your partner provide the encouragement and nudge that you may need to get back on track.

It's the love that laughs and celebrates with you -- all the births, christenings, birthday parties, graduations, weddings, etc. Your permanent date.  Your other half.  The one who has built a lifetime of precious memories with you.

It’s the love that builds communities.  Nights working the food tent at the Our Lady of Mercy Carnival, cooking sausage and peppers and coming home smelling like grease, so the school could have a little more money.  Calling bingo games in the smoke-filled Maria room, so the kids' school could have a little more money.  Shoveling the snow, picking up a newspaper, sharing flowers or stopping for a chat together with your elderly neighbors on McAdoo Avenue.

It's the love that builds friendships over dinners at Just Sonny’s or Laico's.  Playing Trivial Pursuit with friends in the kitchen to all hours.  And barbecues – oh so many barbecues in that small yard on McAdoo Ave.

It’s the love that builds families.  From the old days in Brick and Toms River, or Norristown and Clifton, building memories for your kids with their aunts, uncles, and grandparents.  It's making the 10-hour drive the last few years to vacation in the Outer Banks of North Carolina so you could build even more memories, now for your grandkids with their aunts, uncles and cousins -- and, of course, Nana and Pop.

We tease them a lot because it's fun, but our family's respect, love and admiration runs deeper than they will ever know.  Love... real love ... isn't found in a Hollywood film or a Huffington post sob story.  On many days, it's found in a two-family home in Jersey City in the hearts and lives of Bill and Gerry.

Everyone Has A Commencement Speech To Give

Everyone has a commencement speech to give.  It sits in their head, or rests in their heart. 

Everyone has wisdom to impart, lessons to share, stories to tell, advice to give -- if only someone asked. 

Our Speaker Is...

Universities, colleges and other institutions tend to choose notable people from the community, distinguished alumni, reputable scholars or famous celebrities to deliver commencement addresses.  That makes sense.  These people should have loads of experience and advice -- or at least be entertaining. 

I like speechwriter Anthony Trendl's simple definition: 

"A commencement speech, simply, is an opportunity to share your experience, values and advice."

I have heard some very good speeches at commencements I attended.  My high school, St. Peter's Prep, always knew how to pick them. I have watched some on video because I appreciate a great speech -- and to this day I love Steve Jobs commencement address about three stories from his life (don't miss it). See some other classics in this collection on CNBC.

I have also heard some absolutely miserable commencement speeches where the only great lesson was "don't give a long, boring miserable speech in front of thousands of people."  At my college commencement, we had a revered Jesuit theologian who delivered the address.  I can't tell you what he said, but I know that after 38 minutes of talking (seriously), he took a deep, labored breath, sipped a drink of water, and said, "And, my second point..."  The restless crowd got ugly, grumbled loudly and he walked off before he could finish his next sentence.

I have also had the good fortune of speaking at two of my own graduations -- not to impart any wisdom as the commencement speaker, but to represent my classmates in our celebration.  What I remember most is the nerves I felt, the bravery it took and the fact that I will never again give another speech without a bottle of water within arm's reach.  At my high school graduation, I almost couldn't finish my well-rehearsed remarks (High School at Prep ... These four words encompass the most important and influential years of our lives ...).  My mouth dried up like a prune in the desert, getting smaller, drier and dysfunctional by the second.

The Ordinary People

So, my point is celebrities and scholars don't have the market cornered on great wisdom and good commencement speeches.  Anyone can do it, and there are great resources to show you how.  Check out this awesome blog, Graduation Wisdom, when you get the call.

I recently started thinking about the wisdom that rests with the more "ordinary" people I know.  People who haven't won awards, written books or made billions.  But, whose wisdom comes from perhaps a life of parenthood, hard knocks or inspirational courage. 

Why don't ordinary people get to give commencement addresses?   I think it is because they've never been asked.  

What would they say?  Now, that could be interesting.  So I decided to test my thinking.

First, I talked to my daughter Emma about this idea and explained to her what a commencement address was.  I asked her what valuable advice or lesson would she tell an audience.  "Always be honest" was her big message. "If you aren't honest with people, then they can never trust you or let you do anything."  Not bad for a kid.  She'll give a speech some day.

Then I thought I should ask one of the wisest people I know. My mom.

From Secretary to Saint -- and Some Stops in Between

How I picture Mr. Peterson

My mother started her career in business an an executive secretary at Harborside in Jersey City in the 1960s.  If you have known her for more than a day, you know this to be true and you have heard at least a dozen stories about her business career and her boss, Mr. Peterson, the president of Harborside's warehousing operations.  The fancy Manhattan lunches, run-ins with singers Robert Goulet and Liberace, yadda, yadda, yadda. I envision Mr. Peterson as the Don Draper of his day -- handsome, sharply dressed, three-martini lunch, Lucky Strikes kind of guy.  My mother was his indispensable secretary who knew everything, ran everything and was as discrete as could be.

She quit her job when my sister was born and she gained a lifetime of wisdom raising me and my sister.  Motherhood stories and lessons merit anyone a commencement speech in my book. 

When she went back to work in 1988, she became the office manager for a chiropractor in Jersey City.  She ran a tight ship, kept the whole staff -- including the doctor -- in line, and befriended anyone coming through those doors.  In 1996, she went to a local college (my alma mater) for a part-time job processing transcripts in the registrar's office.  She thought she would only be there temporarily, but 18 years later she is still there as the department secretary for the Modern and Classical Languages department.

Pearls of Wisdom

I sat down with my mother in my kitchen a few weeks ago and I asked her, "You've worked at a college for nearly 20 years. What would you want to tell those students if you had the chance to give a commencement address?  What advice would you give them as they head out into the real world if someone asked?"

First, Mom talked about her father, the greatest influence on her life.  "He believed in the Golden Rule. Treat everyone as you want to be treated." That was his belief system and how he lived his life.  He wasn't a religious man who attended church, but he had a firm sense of morality that showed in his kindness and respect for others.

Then, she talked about faith.  "Have faith in something."  Might be God. Might be religion. Might be some higher being.  But recognize and believe in something greater than yourself.  "My faith got me through terrible times."  She went through a hard times with her parents being sick when she was younger -- and then getting sick herself. It was faith in God and simple prayer that helped her get through it.

And, finally, believe in yourself and work for what you want.  "I am not the most positive thinker," says my  Irish mother who believes in Murphy's law. "But kids coming out of school have to believe in themselves and have confidence in their own abilities to get anywhere."  But don't get too haughty, or my mother will knock you down, too.  "You also need a strong work ethic and be willing to work from the bottom up.  Some kids today don't realize you have to pay your dues. That's how you learn."

Reactive Wisdom May Be The Best Kind

I teased my mother after our interview, saying that I thought she would have a lot more to say.  On most days, you can't get a word in edgewise with my mother.  A conversation in our family is just an interruption to her continuous stream of stories and gossip.

I said I thought she would have more stories to tell me, more profound wisdom to share.  "I have reactive wisdom," she said.  What was that?  "People come to me with their problems and I listen.  Then I tell them stories about my life that may have lessons for them. I react to what others tell me."  My father, married to my mother for nearly 50 years, nodded silently in agreement.

And, there you have it.  A commencement speech.  Shared experiences, values and advice from my mother.  And, all you had to do was ask.

The truth is everyone has a commencement speech to give.  What will your commencement speech be?