What I Learned On My Summer Vacation

It's Labor Day Weekend and the perfect time to reflect on what I learned from my summer vacation.

The truth is, like most parents, we invest a tremendous amount of time, money and emotional angst into creating idyllic summer memories that our children will cherish for the rest of their lives.

In the old days, our parents would fill scrapbooks with photos, post cards and school essays about what we did on our summer vacation. Today, our Facebook feeds and Instagram accounts will help "share these memories" in perpetuity.

Sunset in Captiva

From my childhood, I can recall visits to Colonial Williamsburg, Busch Gardens, Hershey Park, or nameless New Jersey lakes for picnics and swimming. I remember the hot, hot weather ... monstrous mosquito bites ... and overall fun and good feelings growing up with my sister and parents. My wife still recalls the long station wagon rides from Ohio to Florida with her family -- eating ham salad and pimento cheese sandwiches ... fighting with her brothers in the back of the car ... and visiting the neighborhood library in the yet-to-be developed Captiva Island. Fond memories and good feelings.

Summer Vacation Lessons

We all have those precious memories -- or scars -- burned in our minds. So, as a parent myself  who is trying to inflict -- oops, I mean share -- those special moments with my own three children, I have learned some valuable lessons from our summer vacations that I would like to share:

• Eat What You Want. The staples to any diet on summer vacation are chicken fingers, pizza and ice cream.  They can be eaten any day -- and every day -- in any random order or combination for breakfast, lunch or dinner. I am not proud to say this, but my son Will survived our summer trips this year with a steady stream of chicken strips, french fries, Froot Loops and chocolate milk. No permanent damage.  Save the vegetables and yogurt for September. Meals are one fight not worth having on vacation.... which brings me to my next tip.
  
  
• Tantrums and Pouting Happen. Everyone is out of their element and off their schedule a bit. Everyone gets tired being on the run from place to place, swimming and splashing all day, baking in the sun. It can be exhausting. People get cranky when they don't win a card game ... when someone else gets to choose the day's activity ... or when the wifi goes out (and that was just Dad!). We have three kids and as they've gotten older I try to accept that there may only be 45 seconds on a vacation when everyone of them is happy and smiling at the same time. Try to let it go and give everyone a little more tolerance -- at least that is what my wife told me about five times a day.
  
  
• Keep It Simple -- On a more practical note, share the hotel safe combination with the kids, so that your youthful Bonnie and Clyde don't try to crack the safe for their iPads only to "break" it with multiple wrong combinations. Also, buy the international roaming day pass for the smart phones when you cruise outside the U.S. No matter how many times your daughter looks you in the eye and says she isn't using data, she is. And, the data overage texts from AT&T may ruin your day.
  
  
• Focus On The Positive. I will always remember Will's smile when he got to embarrass me in a live "So You Think You Know Your Family" game show in front of 50 people (this was much better than the many grumpy faces when he had to put away his Nintendo DS). Or, I will remember Tess and Emma both being thrilled and laughing to see me get thrown off the banana boat (better than the multiple times they were fighting with the other).  Focus on those positive moments, not the fights, mistakes or frustrating ones (unless those stories become really funny over time). Re-tell those good stories to friends and family over and over, so they become the indelible recollections that are shared for years to come.
  
  

Find Your Own Mind's Highlight Reel

Summer vacations can be overwhelming if you're fortunate. There is so much pressure to make the most out of so little time.  You want to capture those big moments. 

But, in my mind (that place where I keep summer vacation memories from more than 30 years ago), the reality is I have added a few simple moments that will stand the test of time ... sharing a quiet sunset with my wife ... playing "silly" games  in the pool with Will ... watching Emma and Tess do their hysterical synchronized swimming routine in the Gulf of Mexico (The Circle of Life) ... or the girls laughing with each other at the Disney music trivia games. 

Years from now, when my kids are grown and summer vacations have changed, I hope that my tips have left me with a highlight reel of positive memories and emotions.

Let me know your tips and lessons for a great summer vacation and share your 2017 highlight reel. Enjoy!

The Four Most Important Phrases Every Father Should Say

Father's Day has arrived again this year. Time once again to ponder the the unique parenting perspective of Dads and try to offer some humor and truth.

At this point in my life, I am the father of two special teenage girls and one precocious nine-year-old boy. On any given day, they can make me beam with pride, roar with laughter, or want to bang my head into a wall -- repeatedly.

Having conversations with my kids can be a struggle nowadays.

• I drove Emma,(15 years old) to high school every day this year, and the rides were most often me asking questions about school, current events, weekend plans, etc., and getting hollow, rehearsed responses or blank stares from someone who stayed up way too late and was in dire need of caffeine.  I even took to reading parenting advice columns that suggested more thought-provoking questions like "What made you smile today? What did you learn today? If you were a flower, what would you be?" You get the picture. You can imagine the weird looks and responses.
  
• Most nights, I will pick up Tess (13 years old) from dance class. We have 10 minutes, just me and her -- a perfect chance to catch up on those precious father-daughter moments.  I can remember when she was 4 years-old and we would have our special one-on-one time going for hot chocolate before school, just me and her.  She loved those daddy-daughter dates. Today, she jumps in the car and immediately starts scrolling through Instagram and takes over my car radio. When I ask for five minutes of "no radio, no phone," I get the classic teenager eye roll and "I am listening, Dad." I get frustrated. She gets frustrated. By the time I roll into the driveway, one of us is usually slamming a car door or swearing they are not driving home with the other one any more.
  
• Will (9 years old) is still young enough that he can be fooled into a conversation and even seem to like it some days, He will take the dog for a walk with me or ride in the car on errands and chat away. But in order to get five minutes about school (It's soooo boring) or other things in his life, I have to try and follow a 15-minute discussion about the latest Super Mario video game he has played or watched on YouTube. 

So, I started to think, "If I only have a few precious moments when my children will actually be listening to me, then what are the most meaningful phrases and sentiments I should share more often."

"I was wrong and I'm sorry."

Nothing gets my kids attention faster than when Dad admits he is wrong or says he is sorry. They all joke about how I can never apologize or admit I am wrong. This may sometimes... occasionally..., once-in-a-blue-moon... actually ... be true for two simple reasons.  First, I am rarely wrong, and second I am very stubborn.

It may be a trivia question on television (a tomato is not a fruit!), ... an answer for homework (I don't care what your teacher thinks of the Oxford comma...), or a severe punishment that may have been given in haste (If you don't take out the recycling now, you are going to be locked in your room without a phone, food, or water for 60 days!!!). The point is when I actually do say I was wrong or I am sorry, they actually listen. They usually smile. And, they (or we) might even learn it's okay not to be right all the time.

"I understand."

Understanding means going beyond the "When I was your age, the same thing happened to me..." story. I have plenty of those and they don't always go over well. Understanding means empathizing and really sitting in their shoes.

For example, we all have frustrating days at work. Sometimes even when you are the expert and know more than anyone in the room about a certain topic, you can still get overruled. In some cases, rank can still matter more than knowledge.  I was having one of those days when it struck me that this was exactly how my kids felt with me some days. I would tell them that they had to do something, and they would say in an exasperated tone, "Dad, this makes no sense.... It's not fair."  So on one of my infamous rides to school with Emma, I told her about a situation at work and my little epiphany about how she must feel with me. I told her how I "understood" firsthand how frustrating it can be and that even I had to listen to other people and do things that might not make sense to me. Just because you are right doesn't always mean you win. I couldn't tell her it wouldn't happen again, but I could tell her I would listen better and be more understanding of how it made her feel.

"I am proud of you."

We all take for granted that our kids know how proud we are of them, but they really don't. It's much easier for them to hear the nagging or the criticism and think we are disappointed in them.That harsh message can come through loud and clear, rather than the affirming tone of I am proud of you and I believe in you.

The reality is that every kid's goal is to make their parents proud and we should never take for granted that they know that. When Tess decided on her own that she wanted to help teach dance classes, she wrote her teacher a "adult-like" note asking to volunteer, suggesting a schedule, etc., (all without us even knowing), I was so impressed with her confidence, her drive and her initiative. When my wife told me what she did, I asked Tess to tell me about it and I told her how proud I was of her for doing that. She'll never admit it, but it mattered.  ;)

"I love you."

There are no more powerful words than I love you, and sadly these words seem to get harder to say to our kids as they get older. My little guy Will still gives me great big hugs, and I tell him how much I love him all the time. When he makes me laugh with  his sarcastic comments, I tell him I love him and his jokes. When he uses the word "amalgamation" in a sentence and tells me he was bored in school and found the word when he was reading the dictionary, I tell him I love him and he amazes me all the time.


The words "I love you" can become a bit cliche or be embarrassing as kids get older ... "Oh, Dad... please (insert eye roll or furrowed brow here).  They can be left unsaid for so long that we forget their meaning and power. Don't let that happen. This Father's Day, find the moment. Say the words with meaning. You'll find they can go even better with a hug.

Classroom on the Court: "Picking Up" a Lifetime of Education

I've spent nearly one-third of my life in classrooms and enjoyed the instruction of brilliant and inspiring teachers that laid the foundation of my education. I've spent about two-thirds of my life in business offices, working at well-respected companies for some amazing bosses who taught me skills and knowledge that have helped me build my career. But, in between that class time and those business hours, I've learned some of my most valuable life lessons in a very different place.

When I think about places that have helped shape who I am, what I enjoy, and how I treat others, one place stands out: the basketball court -- or more specifically the pick-up basketball games I played throughout my life.

Whether it was Country Village Park, the Yanitelli Center, the Lombardi Field House, the Assumption School gym or other stops along the way, I've spent my life "picking up" games with friends and strangers who shared a common passion, a little sweat and simple respect.

Thinking back on some of these games and places, I can still see many of the diverse faces, sizes and shapes of the other players,... feel the damp cold of some courts and the suffocating heat of others,... and hear the squeak of sneakers on a newly waxed floor or the clang of a ball on a loose outdoor rim,

Country Village Park

I spent a lot of my time as a young kid and through high school, playing on the outdoor courts in Country Village (and the courts at Our Lady of Mercy School).  These were asphalt hard top courts, which were buzzing with games in the summer.

Much of the "grip" from this basketball
 was left on the Country Village Courts

There were three courts and mostly school kids all over the place during the summer. I would get there early and spend hours at the park shooting by myself to improve my game. I learned the lesson of putting in the time and practice to get better. The truth is you wouldn't get picked for a game or keep a court by winning if you didn't have some skills.

I would get into pick-up games with my friends or whoever was around (one-time Leonard Marshall from the NY Giants came by). Simply walking up to a stranger or group at another basket with a little confidence was all it took: "Wanna play?" Three-on-three or five-on-five, it didn't matter. The etiquette was easily understood.

The local kids in Country Village -- mostly from OLM -- "ran" the park, but pick-up games were a bit of an equalizer.  If you came to shoot around, people didn't bother you and would usually include you in a run. The occasional rival crew from St. Paul's or kids from the Curries Woods projects would come by and basketball was the peacemaker.

Where I grew up, there were simple rules and you followed them.  If you scored, you kept the ball (Winner takes). You didn't play dirty. You called your own fouls -- and everyone respected the call. There wasn't much "trash talk" in these games back in the 1980s. If you lost, it was next team up or shoot to see who got to play. It was good, clean, competitive fun.

Yanitelli Center

When I got to college, my pick-up games moved indoors to the bright lights and hardwood floors of Yanitelli Center at Saint Peter's College in Jersey City. Free court time was tough to get with team practices, intramurals, etc., all competing for time, but there were always good runs at night with top-notch players (current and former college players, community members, coaches and athletes from Jersey City). It was some really good basketball at a whole other level and speed -- not the rough and tumble play I was used to in Country Village.

Victor R. Yanitelli Recreational Life Center
at Saint Peter's College (now University)
in Jersey City

The court rules were generally the same, but a scrawny, 5'7 kid had his work cut out for him to get in -- and stay in -- these games.  In this environment, I learned how to fit in,... how to read people ... and I got to know more people who weren't like me.

I became friendly with some of the regular guys and learned their names (Van, John, Tommy). I respected people's boundaries. I passed a whole lot, hustled on both ends, kept my mouth shot and tried to keep my mistakes to a minimum. Looking back, it was an early place where I learned how to network. I became a familiar face, someone who people liked having on their team.

Lombardi Center

When I went to graduate school in the Bronx, I was trying to become part of a whole new community at Fordham University. I didn't know anyone, and my roommate was not a match (that's a story for another time). Most of the other students in my program were part-time or didn't live on campus, so life in the Bronx was a bit solitary.

Lombardi Field House

I started to shoot at the courts in the Lombardi Memorial Center. A big track field house type of facility with an indoor basketball court amidst the track and tennis courts. I discovered that they had a regular pick-up game at noon every day. It was a game organized by guys from the Athletics Department -- administrators, trainers, a few coaches. It was a "closed" game (no students and only select outsiders), but my time and lessons from Yanitelli made it easy to make the right connections and fit in here.

My grad school life was simple -- reading, studying, class, and basketball. I loved those basketball games. It was a friendly group and a daily reminder of what I loved about basketball.  No matter what else was going on with school or life, for that hour it was just competitive fun... make that shot ... thread that pass ... set that screen ... forget everything else. Basketball has always been that kind of refuge and happy place for me no matter what else has been going on in life.

Assumption School

I picked up games here and there after grad school, but as life went on with marriage, kids and growing older, the games and opportunities became less frequent.

When I got into my 40s, some dads from Assumption School and Parish in Morristown started a pick-up game at the school on weeknights. What a great opportunity to find that refuge and fun again. We have been running "old man basketball" -- as my kids call it -- for several years.  The crew has changed a lot over the years with a few constant faces. We have a mix of doctors, brokers, teachers, coaches, executives, etc., but we all lace up our sneakers and leave it out on the court for a couple of hours each week.

The backyard rim
where I still pick up a game
with the kids and cousins

My steps are slower and the shots drop less frequently at "old man basketball," but many of the life lessons from pick-up basketball remain.

• Keep the rules simple
• Enjoy the competition (it's not all about winning)
• Find common ground with others
• Respect people and what they bring to the group 
• Learn to read people and figure out how to fit in
• Do what you love as long as you can

As I get older, I enjoy and cherish each game a bit more. I know my days are numbered in this "classroom" where I picked up a lifetime of education.