Reflections on Father's Day -- It All Means Something

Last weekend, I had one of those quiet fatherhood milestones that no one ever told me about. 

I was sitting in the kitchen with my two daughters, wife and their grandmother. I have always been the storyteller in our family... the one recounting -- and maybe embellishing a bit -- the memories of our life as a family. This evening was different. 

Out Banks, NC, 2009?

My daughters, Tess and Emma, are 16 and 18, and they started to tell the stories, sharing their memories of beach vacations in the Outer Banks with their cousins. Their cousin who was terribly afraid of butterflies. The toddler who would exit the pool to say "moo," squat and "fill" her diaper. The nearly "tragic" go-cart debacle when all the cousins had a crash and sent the track attendant into a fit.  I got to see those days from their more adult perspective for a few moments. We laughed a lot. The truth is I realized in that moment it all meant something to them, too.

As a father, you spend a lot of days thinking you are some type of "provider" or "protector" for your family. You may have some type of romanticized ideal of fatherhood. You wonder what that idea of fatherhood means in the suburbs of the 21st century. You hope all the tickling, toys, tuitions, trips and talks mean something to your children. And, you may wonder about that often until you sit in the kitchen on a spring day and they tell you about a memory they have.

It All Means Something

On my walk this morning, I thought about my nearly 80-year old father and a few of the "little boy" memories I may not have shared with him.  

I remember the time we picked up some Sabrett hotdogs from a "dirty water truck" on Danforth Avenue in Jersey City. As we drove away, I bit into my hotdog and discovered it smothered in mustard -- not ketchup (yes, I like ketchup on hotdogs -- but that is a whole other story). I was probably 7 or 8 years old and I was ticked off, so I rolled down the window of my Dad's Chevy Impala and threw my hotdogs right out the car window and cried. Somehow my father held it together and didn't throw me out of the car window after them. Ha! Supreme patience.It meant something.

I remember my Dad sitting in the stands for countless basketball games, or in the dugout for a few Little League baseball seasons. Driving me all over Hudson County for basketball summer leagues. One day, he almost blew a blood vessel when my grammar basketball school team played in the Yanitelli Center at St. Peter's College (the big game), and the coach never put me in for my moment in the big time (I was more relieved than anything considering the game featured my teammate, future Duke Star Bobby Hurley, and future Yankee pitcher Willie Banks on the other team). It meant something.

I remember all the barbecues in our backyard in Jersey City. My father on the grill. Friends and family passing through over the years, everyone cramming onto the patch of grass that was my father's urban "garden." My dog Buddy barking and chasing kids down the alleyway. My mother's deviled eggs. I remember passing food and condiments out of our first floor apartment window and down to folks standing in the yard. Playing darts (real darts, not lawn darts) with an ancient board propped on a ladder in the yard. Family. Fun. Food. Laughs. It meant something. 

I remember being a little boy, visiting my father when he worked at Bell Labs in Murray Hill, NJ. What a huge and mythical place (I would work there 20 years later). How proud my Dad was to show off his son, "Billy" ... "the third," to his crew in the mail room or the machine shops. As we would eat in the cafeteria or walk through those long hallways, everyone seemed to know my Dad and greeted him with a smile and a handshake. Hard work, Pride, Respect. It meant something.

Good times and great memories that helped make me the father I am today. It all meant something, Pop.  It still does. Thank you for everything.  Have a special Father's Day.  Love you...

Father's Day 2019

My Thanksgiving Treasures for 2019

Thanksgiving -- and a four-day weekend -- does offer us time to stop and reflect each year on the treasures we have in our lives. Some are obvious -- health, family, or good fortune. Some are unexpected -- the taste of homemade chocolate chip cookies; the comfort of an old, worn-out sweatshirt; the ease of super-fast streaming speeds; and the smell of a freshly cleaned house.

Five years ago, I wrote a Thanksgiving post on unappreciated treasures and I thought it could be time for a fresh look, so here goes:

Photo by Josh Appel on Unsplash

1) Mobility -- Not the AT&T Wireless kind.  I mean being able to walk at your leisure, stroll in the park, go for a run or just move around the kitchen and make yourself a sandwich. I see my parents, aunts and uncles getting older each year and losing that basic gift of mobility. My mother with Parkinson's. My uncle with COPD. My dad with arthritis and joint issues. Wheelchairs, canes, aches and pains are probably in all our futures. It's an odd thing, but I cherish movement so much more because of them. I see how frustrating it can be to be stuck in a chair,... run out of breath after a few simple steps,... having to ask for help to do what used to be the simplest tasks. Mobility is a great gift. Don't take it for granted. 

2017 -- Disney Cruise

2) Google Photos -- When I do eventually lose my mobility, I know one thing I will be even more grateful for is Google Photos. I will sit and sort through the friendly faces and favorites on my phone. I will look back at my "albums" of trips and events from bygone days with a simple touch. Today, I love "Re-Discover This Day" messages that pop up and take me back to moments and memories that can put a smile on my face. Many apps on my phone have a practical purpose -- directions, news, weather, finances. But Google Photos is my app for smiles!

Part of my baseball cap collection

3) Baseball Caps -- I haven't played or coached baseball in almost 30 years, but I do love and appreciate a good baseball cap. They aren't just practical at keeping you warm, providing sun protection, or hiding bedhead on a Saturday morning run of errands, they are also great collectibles. Each hat I own has  story about a place I want to remember or a gift from a dear friend.  Graeter's Ice Cream in Columbus, Ohio, where we have enjoyed many a cone with my wife's family. Outer Banks, N.C., where our kids and cousins grew up on summer vacations. Saint Peter's Peacocks, my alma mater and forever home in Jersey City.  Give me a curved and bendable brim, a colorful logo and  a comfortable fit any day of the week.

Photo by Tomasz Woźniak on Unsplash

4) Noom -- This year for my 50th birthday, I decided to try and build some healthier habits and lose some weight. I got the app Noom to give me some direction and it's been a huge help with flexible approaches, brief articles and simple tools . I became more mindful and deliberate about what and when I eat, without denying myself everything I love. I got insights about my food triggers and behaviors. And, I also became more committed to regular exercise and movement (see #1 above). I've lost 15 pounds since February and I've made sustainable changes in my habits and thinking. Nothing works for everyone, but I am very grateful this year for Noom and the healthy habits it has helped me adopt.

Fenway Park for 50 with the Old Gang

5) Friendships, old and new -- There has been lots written lately about men and their struggles with friendships. See here on Huffington Post, here in The New York Times and a really good read here on Quartzy with Vox founder Ezra Klein. Friendships can be a struggle for men and have real effects on their health. As we age and stop doing the activities, work or sports that we tend to bond over, it becomes more of a strain. I am very thankful for the friendships I have today. Some are old high school and college friends who still call me Billy and can happily recount our most embarrassing moments. Some are former co-workers whom I have come to call friends over the years; our gatherings and conversations have moved from traditional career topics to more about family, kids and personal struggles. As I grow older, I am more "intentional" about friendships and put in more effort than when I was young. But that effort can make you appreciate your friends and time together even more when you make the investment.

So, those are my Thanksgiving Treasures for 2019.  What are yours?
 

Going Home Again: Be Confident. Be Communicators. Be Kind.

This week, I had the honor of being a keynote speaker at my alma mater Saint Peter's University for the annual Michaelmas Convocation. 
What is Michaelmas?  It's a ceremony following the medieval tradition of convening the faculty and students to start the term and it is celebrated in honor of the feast of the Archangels Michael, Gabriel and Raphael. For Saint Peter's, they recognize students' academic achievements, including the top ten seniors who are inducted into the Most Noble Order of the Peacock (yes, it's a thing!!).

I was truly honored by the invitation to share some thoughts with faculty and students who are some of Saint Peter's best and brightest, and I thought I would post my speech here for those who may wonder what wisdom I would bestow on such scholars.  Enjoy!




Saint Peter’s University

Michaelmas Convocation

Sept. 25, 2019

Thank you, Provost Bonato and President Cornacchia.

It’s truly an honor to be here today and to speak with you.

When I got the note from Saint Peter’s asking me to join you today for the keynote, I was actually quite surprised. You see, as the chief communications officer of Zoetis … and over my more than 25-year career in public relations,… I am normally the speech writer, not the speech giver. I usually get to be the coach and critic, not the subject or speaker.  So, hopefully, I have learned a few things over my years of speechwriting, and I can put it into good practice today.

Let me begin with Congratulations to all of you for the awards you are about to receive.

Reading, writing, research, and analysis have all developed your minds and talents in ways that merit the admiration of your professors, your parents, and your peers – and for the lucky ones maybe your siblings, too. Although that may be a stretch on some days.

You have put in the time and hard work that doesn’t show up on scoreboards or SportsCenter. It happens in classrooms, in science labs, and in libraries. You have dedicated yourself to the personal rewards that come from curiosity, classwork, and academic excellence.  And, today is your day. Congratulations again. 

And, while we are in the spirit of congratulations, I would also like to recognize the professors, administrators, and staff who have helped you reach your potential, stretch beyond your limits, and achieve goals that even you may not have thought were possible.  

So as we join together at this celebration of academic excellence, I am left to wonder what meaningful message can I share with you?

• n  You already appreciate the importance and value of a classroom education. That’s evident.
  
• n  Most of you are probably smarter and more well-read than this “old English major” standing before you.
  
• n  And, if you are anything like my Gen Z daughters, you are all anxious to get out of your fancy clothes … get back on your smartphones,… and head off to the nearest Starbucks for coffee.

But, I ask you to indulge me for me for a few more minutes as I share three lessons from my experience at Saint Peter’s….  lessons that I think will complement your academic learning and hopefully strike a chord with your experiences here.

Be Confident

The first lesson is be confident.

Saint Peter’s has certainly grown in prominence and recognition under Dr. Cornacchia’s leadership, making many prestigious “best college” rankings and lists. But, it is still easy to feel like an underdog at Saint Peter’s in Jersey City.  It is part of our DNA. 

There are bigger “name” schools that laud their academic achievements, and there are certainly “larger” stages for receiving awards. But, trust me when I say Saint Peter’s has offered you everything you need for a successful life and career.

At Saint Peter’s you have … An incredible and dedicated faculty… Personal attention for every student… A liberal arts foundation, with creative and demanding opportunities for learning… Rich, real-life experiences through internships and cooperative education… A diverse community in which to grow and challenge one another… And a set of values based on caring for others and contributing to society that will enrich your life for years to come.

Another reason to be confident is that you are becoming part of a proud legacy at Saint Peter’s. Your achievements over four years are amazing and commendable, but where you can go next is limitless.

Look at our alumni. I think of two of my Saint Peter’s classmates. One who is a world-renowned heart surgeon, Dr. Allan Stewart. He is an expert on cardiothoracic surgery,... has been trusted to operate on world leaders like Bill Clinton,… and generously teaches others around the world his life-saving techniques. He’s actually off to Nigeria this week for surgery and teaching.

Another classmate and good friend of mine is Tom Weatherall, the CEO of the Make-A-Wish Foundation in New Jersey. Tom’s daily mission is bringing joy, smiles and relief to children who are suffering from life-threatening illnesses by granting their wishes. Tom is a true expert in fundraising, philanthropy and a fulfilling dreams.   

What fulfilling and special careers these classmates have chosen.

I think of my mentors from Saint Peter’s. Frank D’Amelio, who is the CFO and Executive Vice President of Pfizer, one of the world’s largest healthcare product companies.  Frank grew up in Hoboken where his family ran a local plumbing supply business and where he learned all about hard work and finances. Today, he is one of the most respected CFOs on Wall Street and responsible for investing billions of dollars in the development of Pfizer’s breakthrough biopharmaceutical products and pipeline.

Another very special mentor of mine is Kathy Fitzgerald. Kathy was a student in one of the early graduating classes of women at Saint Peter’s,… and my first boss. Our Saint Peter’s roots bonded us immediately, and she has been a teacher, counselor and friend ever since. Kathy had a storied career, building world-class PR organizations across four companies and three industries.  She became a legend in corporate communications for building reputations, managing  crises and counseling the boards of AT&T, Lucent Technologies, KPMG and PSE&G. And now, retired from the corporate world, she is back at Saint Peter’s sharing her experience as a teacher.

And lastly, I think of a Saint Peter’s student whom I mentored, Mesfin Fekadu. We shared dinners and discussions at Jersey City restaurants when he was an ambitious student looking to work in media. Since then, he has become the lead music editor for the Associated Press. You can read his articles and interviews with everyone from Beyoncé and Taylor Swift to Rihanna and the Rolling Stones. This young man has built an amazing career from humble beginnings in Philadelphia.

Diverse and exceptional legacies in each one. And yours is still to be written. So, again, I say be Confident. You are part of an amazing and talented family at Saint Peter’s,… and you are earning your place every day.

Be Communicators 

My second piece of advice is be Communicators.

You are already gaining the subject matter knowledge and skills you need for your major and the future career you want to pursue. Whether it’s biology, accounting, cyber security or political science, you’ve proven that you can do it.

I would tell you, however, that wherever you go and whatever you do in your careers, your ability to communicate will make a huge difference in your success.  It’s a skill that every recruiter and every employer expects. 

The CEOs and executives I have worked with over my career have had a range of credentials – scientists, engineers, marketing gurus, financial wizards.  But, they were also all good communicators and saw it as an irreplaceable skill as they rose through the ranks.

Communications was not someone else’s job. It was how they influenced customers, colleagues, investors and all sorts of people. Like many of the skills you are learning at Saint Peter’s, it will take effort to be a good communicator.

I can remember sitting in Pope Lecture Hall with other students. We were taking Classical Rhetoric and Public Speaking with Professor James C.G. Conniff.

We came from all sorts of majors – English, Computer Science, Business, Urban Studies, etc.  This was before Saint Peter’s had a formal Communications program. We were all there because we knew Conniff would make us better. He could be a gruff and cranky old man,… but he was also a gifted and brilliant teacher. If you can, picture this,… Professor Conniff was a cross between Yoda from Star Wars … and Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street. And I say that with love and admiration. 😊

We would all give brief speeches or read monologues,… often on any topic of our choosing. Conniff would interrupt us,… bark at us,… correct us,… and pass us hand-written notes in his cryptic scrawl. These were concise and pointed critiques of your thoughts and delivery.  Illegible pearls of wisdom. His focus was on the spoken word and thoughts, not penmanship. But I am sure he is up there now jotting down notes on my elocution, my pace and my Hudson County accent. 

He was one of many teachers at Saint Peter’s who taught me that the best ideas and greatest talents can be easily ignored without the skill to share them with others. So I say to you all… Be Communicators.

Be Kind

And finally … and most importantly.  Be kind.

You are fortunate to be at a Jesuit school such as Saint Peter’s, where the idea of being a Man or Woman for Others is core to its mission and culture.

Kindness can come in grand works and small gestures. At Saint Peter’s, it can be seen in the school’s commitment to serving others through its Campus Ministry or Peer Educator programs … or it can be seen in simpler ways -- welcoming a new student to campus,… checking on a friend who is struggling … or simply by not having an episode of road rage when you lose the last parking spot in the Armory lot or Yanitelli Center.

Last year, when I had to help my parents sell their home and move out of Jersey City after 45 years on McAdoo Avenue, I reached out to Saint Peter’s for help. I asked if they had any ideas on how to get rid of all the stuff that my parents couldn’t take with them to their new home. It was a daunting task for me and  my sister.

It would have been easy to pass me off to the Salvation Army or ask me to drop things off in one place or another, but Saint Peter’s and Erich Sekel from Campus Ministry went well beyond that. Erich made himself available to me. He visited my parents’ house and offered to help on his own time. He came to their home with other volunteers and packed up donations of clothes and kitchen supplies on a weekend. He went the extra mile for me and my parents, and he showed kindness when none was expected … or required. 

I say this to you because kindness is not always easy … and it can’t always compete with our desire for academic awards or the thrill of exciting careers. … But, it is sooooo, soooo necessary,… so valuable,… and so fundamental to what Saint Peter’s wants to instill in your education outside of the classroom. And it is through your kindness that you’ll have your greatest impact and build your most meaningful legacy.

The academic awards you all receive today are incredibly well-deserved. I appreciate how hard-earned they are and I congratulate you all again,… but I also challenge you all to remember the other lessons that you can take from Saint Peter’s. Those lessons that are found outside your classrooms, books and tablets. 

Remember … to always … Be Confident….  Be Communicators…  And most importantly … Be Kind.

Thank you….

# # #

Five Truths for 50

Tomorrow is my 50th birthday. I am not too excited about it (I liked my 40s), but I thought I should do a post to commemorate this milestone. I spent some time reflecting... should I write about happy moments? life lessons? regrets?  As I thought about the man I've become over five decades, I decided to look forward -- not back -- and think about the ways I could be a better person in the next 50 years.  What changes could make my life better, richer and more impactful:



Photo by Holger Link on Unsplash

1) Be more patient and understanding. I have always been impatient. When I was about 8 years old, I wanted to get to basketball practice after my dentist gave me a filling. My mother said I had to eat lunch first. I wasn't about to wait and miss practice, so I insisted on eating my Ellio's pizza slices while my mouth was still numb from novocaine, and I foolishly took a huge bite out of my tongue (what a bloody mess!). Being a parent myself now hasn't increased my patience. Once a week, I will blow up because one of the kids is working on their "own clock" -- not mine. When my wife hears my muffled curses or slammed doors, she tells me to relax -- and she is usually right. Life is too short...

2) Be open to new experiences. I am a creature of habit and fiercely loyal. It's why I drove a Saturn for decades. It's why I keep going back to the Outer Banks for vacation. It's why I eat Cheerios at 50 years old the same way I ate Cheerios at 5 years old (in a glass of chocolate milk). Do right by me, and I will always be in your corner. The downside is that I can miss out on trying new experiences because they aren't familiar or because "I know I can't do that." Change and new experiences can bring their own anxieties, but I don't want be the dog who can't learn new tricks. Here's to embracing new experiences...

3) Don't become jaded. As I get older, I hope I don't become jaded and cynical (maybe "more" jaded and cynical is more accurate). It's easy to feel like you have seen it all before. How much enthusiasm can you bring each time for "back-to-school" nights and Christmas concerts year after year? After more than 20 years of press releases and earnings calls, how do you keep it fresh? You can lose your sense of awe, excitement or sentimentality over time. I hope I always tear up when Harry Bailey toasts his brother George in "It's A Wonderful Life." I hope each day at work brings me new challenges and satisfaction. I hope I always get excited when I hear "pomp and circumstance" play for my family's graduates. And lastly, I hope I always see life's freshness and possibilities, not the sameness and inevitability. Here's to keeping a childish enthusiasm for life...



4) Listen more compassionately. I am a fixer. I usually listen so that I can understand a problem and then help address it. I don't always listen compassionately. I have read the psychology books like Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus, and I know that some people just want to be heard and know someone is sympathetic to them; they are not asking for advice. I am not naturally "wired" for this type of listening. It's an area where I must grow (or at least fake it better), especially as we get older and face health issues and problems that don't always have a solution. Sometimes compassionate listening is all you can do. Here's to biting your tongue and opening your ears and heart...   


5) Practice gratitude.  I have been incredibly fortunate in my life. I never could have anticipated the amazing family, career and life we have built. Most days, I appreciate the blessings in my life and scratch my head at how lucky we are. It is so much more than I deserve. My friend recently lost a child to cancer, and I thought about how much he must have appreciated and treasured every moment they had together in her last year. Taking stock of the simple gifts in our lives is an important, positive and great ritual to practice every day. Here's to cherishing every sunrise, chuckle, taste and tear.


The truth is 50 is just a number, but it's a nice mile marker on the road for where you've been and where you still want to go...

Why I Walk

People choose many forms of exercise to stay fit and healthy nowadays. Cycling. Swimming. Paddling. CrossFit.  Why do I walk? Because I can't always play basketball (see here and here)-- and the truth is I hate to run.


I used to run with my wife when we first started dating. It was that period of dating when you would do anything to be a couple and try to impress your significant other, but that incentive doesn't last long. I trained for weeks one time to run a 5K with her, only to have her decide she and her girlfriend were going to do a girl's weekend instead. Ugh!


When I run, I always feel rushed and wonder when will it be over. I am a sprinter, not a jogger. I never know what the right pace is. Before too long my knees hurt or my calves ache. Rather than enjoying this exercise, I am consumed with how much longer it will take. My mind becomes cluttered, consumed and stressed by all the things about the run -- my pain, my gait, my time, the end! I miss out on all the things I enjoy when I walk (and some researchers would agree there are other risks to running). 

Walking for Body and Mind

Walking keeps my body active and my mind clear. I put on my head phones and walk out the door for an experience I fully enjoy. I listen to music on Pandora.  Some days it's Journey or Van Morrison ... other days it might be Enya, Tony Bennett or Tracy Chapman. I can get lost in the tunes. I appreciate the scenery. Whether I am walking around the neighborhood at home or on the beach on vacation, I enjoy the sights. The green trees. The crashing waves. The clouds. The houses. The cars. The dogs. The people. I can be an observer on my walk. Each sight taking me someplace else in my mind -- away from the to-do lists at home or the deadlines at work.

I usually keep a brisk pace on my walks and tackle the hills in my neighborhood.  I track my Fitbit and might do 3-5 miles on a weekend morning, stopping occasionally for a photo or to pick up recycling and trash on the side of the road (see Plogging). 

While I walk, my mind clears a bit and wanders naturally to places, thoughts and solutions I can't find anywhere else. I can reflect on big picture issues or just fun. I might think about interesting topics for a future blog post. I might rehearse a conversation or speech I am having trouble with at work. I may wonder about how to approach and talk with my kids in better ways. I may have the room in my mind to be more creative about solving a problem or consider longer term goals and plans.

I come away from my walks more relaxed, re-charged and ready to go. And isn't that what it's all about... whether you run, walk or do goat yoga (yes, goat yoga.).

What I Learned On My Summer Vacation

It's Labor Day Weekend and the perfect time to reflect on what I learned from my summer vacation.

The truth is, like most parents, we invest a tremendous amount of time, money and emotional angst into creating idyllic summer memories that our children will cherish for the rest of their lives.

In the old days, our parents would fill scrapbooks with photos, post cards and school essays about what we did on our summer vacation. Today, our Facebook feeds and Instagram accounts will help "share these memories" in perpetuity.

Sunset in Captiva

From my childhood, I can recall visits to Colonial Williamsburg, Busch Gardens, Hershey Park, or nameless New Jersey lakes for picnics and swimming. I remember the hot, hot weather ... monstrous mosquito bites ... and overall fun and good feelings growing up with my sister and parents. My wife still recalls the long station wagon rides from Ohio to Florida with her family -- eating ham salad and pimento cheese sandwiches ... fighting with her brothers in the back of the car ... and visiting the neighborhood library in the yet-to-be developed Captiva Island. Fond memories and good feelings.

Summer Vacation Lessons

We all have those precious memories -- or scars -- burned in our minds. So, as a parent myself  who is trying to inflict -- oops, I mean share -- those special moments with my own three children, I have learned some valuable lessons from our summer vacations that I would like to share:

• Eat What You Want. The staples to any diet on summer vacation are chicken fingers, pizza and ice cream.  They can be eaten any day -- and every day -- in any random order or combination for breakfast, lunch or dinner. I am not proud to say this, but my son Will survived our summer trips this year with a steady stream of chicken strips, french fries, Froot Loops and chocolate milk. No permanent damage.  Save the vegetables and yogurt for September. Meals are one fight not worth having on vacation.... which brings me to my next tip.
  
  
• Tantrums and Pouting Happen. Everyone is out of their element and off their schedule a bit. Everyone gets tired being on the run from place to place, swimming and splashing all day, baking in the sun. It can be exhausting. People get cranky when they don't win a card game ... when someone else gets to choose the day's activity ... or when the wifi goes out (and that was just Dad!). We have three kids and as they've gotten older I try to accept that there may only be 45 seconds on a vacation when everyone of them is happy and smiling at the same time. Try to let it go and give everyone a little more tolerance -- at least that is what my wife told me about five times a day.
  
  
• Keep It Simple -- On a more practical note, share the hotel safe combination with the kids, so that your youthful Bonnie and Clyde don't try to crack the safe for their iPads only to "break" it with multiple wrong combinations. Also, buy the international roaming day pass for the smart phones when you cruise outside the U.S. No matter how many times your daughter looks you in the eye and says she isn't using data, she is. And, the data overage texts from AT&T may ruin your day.
  
  
• Focus On The Positive. I will always remember Will's smile when he got to embarrass me in a live "So You Think You Know Your Family" game show in front of 50 people (this was much better than the many grumpy faces when he had to put away his Nintendo DS). Or, I will remember Tess and Emma both being thrilled and laughing to see me get thrown off the banana boat (better than the multiple times they were fighting with the other).  Focus on those positive moments, not the fights, mistakes or frustrating ones (unless those stories become really funny over time). Re-tell those good stories to friends and family over and over, so they become the indelible recollections that are shared for years to come.
  
  

Find Your Own Mind's Highlight Reel

Summer vacations can be overwhelming if you're fortunate. There is so much pressure to make the most out of so little time.  You want to capture those big moments. 

But, in my mind (that place where I keep summer vacation memories from more than 30 years ago), the reality is I have added a few simple moments that will stand the test of time ... sharing a quiet sunset with my wife ... playing "silly" games  in the pool with Will ... watching Emma and Tess do their hysterical synchronized swimming routine in the Gulf of Mexico (The Circle of Life) ... or the girls laughing with each other at the Disney music trivia games. 

Years from now, when my kids are grown and summer vacations have changed, I hope that my tips have left me with a highlight reel of positive memories and emotions.

Let me know your tips and lessons for a great summer vacation and share your 2017 highlight reel. Enjoy!

The Four Most Important Phrases Every Father Should Say

Father's Day has arrived again this year. Time once again to ponder the the unique parenting perspective of Dads and try to offer some humor and truth.

At this point in my life, I am the father of two special teenage girls and one precocious nine-year-old boy. On any given day, they can make me beam with pride, roar with laughter, or want to bang my head into a wall -- repeatedly.

Having conversations with my kids can be a struggle nowadays.

• I drove Emma,(15 years old) to high school every day this year, and the rides were most often me asking questions about school, current events, weekend plans, etc., and getting hollow, rehearsed responses or blank stares from someone who stayed up way too late and was in dire need of caffeine.  I even took to reading parenting advice columns that suggested more thought-provoking questions like "What made you smile today? What did you learn today? If you were a flower, what would you be?" You get the picture. You can imagine the weird looks and responses.
  
• Most nights, I will pick up Tess (13 years old) from dance class. We have 10 minutes, just me and her -- a perfect chance to catch up on those precious father-daughter moments.  I can remember when she was 4 years-old and we would have our special one-on-one time going for hot chocolate before school, just me and her.  She loved those daddy-daughter dates. Today, she jumps in the car and immediately starts scrolling through Instagram and takes over my car radio. When I ask for five minutes of "no radio, no phone," I get the classic teenager eye roll and "I am listening, Dad." I get frustrated. She gets frustrated. By the time I roll into the driveway, one of us is usually slamming a car door or swearing they are not driving home with the other one any more.
  
• Will (9 years old) is still young enough that he can be fooled into a conversation and even seem to like it some days, He will take the dog for a walk with me or ride in the car on errands and chat away. But in order to get five minutes about school (It's soooo boring) or other things in his life, I have to try and follow a 15-minute discussion about the latest Super Mario video game he has played or watched on YouTube. 

So, I started to think, "If I only have a few precious moments when my children will actually be listening to me, then what are the most meaningful phrases and sentiments I should share more often."

"I was wrong and I'm sorry."

Nothing gets my kids attention faster than when Dad admits he is wrong or says he is sorry. They all joke about how I can never apologize or admit I am wrong. This may sometimes... occasionally..., once-in-a-blue-moon... actually ... be true for two simple reasons.  First, I am rarely wrong, and second I am very stubborn.

It may be a trivia question on television (a tomato is not a fruit!), ... an answer for homework (I don't care what your teacher thinks of the Oxford comma...), or a severe punishment that may have been given in haste (If you don't take out the recycling now, you are going to be locked in your room without a phone, food, or water for 60 days!!!). The point is when I actually do say I was wrong or I am sorry, they actually listen. They usually smile. And, they (or we) might even learn it's okay not to be right all the time.

"I understand."

Understanding means going beyond the "When I was your age, the same thing happened to me..." story. I have plenty of those and they don't always go over well. Understanding means empathizing and really sitting in their shoes.

For example, we all have frustrating days at work. Sometimes even when you are the expert and know more than anyone in the room about a certain topic, you can still get overruled. In some cases, rank can still matter more than knowledge.  I was having one of those days when it struck me that this was exactly how my kids felt with me some days. I would tell them that they had to do something, and they would say in an exasperated tone, "Dad, this makes no sense.... It's not fair."  So on one of my infamous rides to school with Emma, I told her about a situation at work and my little epiphany about how she must feel with me. I told her how I "understood" firsthand how frustrating it can be and that even I had to listen to other people and do things that might not make sense to me. Just because you are right doesn't always mean you win. I couldn't tell her it wouldn't happen again, but I could tell her I would listen better and be more understanding of how it made her feel.

"I am proud of you."

We all take for granted that our kids know how proud we are of them, but they really don't. It's much easier for them to hear the nagging or the criticism and think we are disappointed in them.That harsh message can come through loud and clear, rather than the affirming tone of I am proud of you and I believe in you.

The reality is that every kid's goal is to make their parents proud and we should never take for granted that they know that. When Tess decided on her own that she wanted to help teach dance classes, she wrote her teacher a "adult-like" note asking to volunteer, suggesting a schedule, etc., (all without us even knowing), I was so impressed with her confidence, her drive and her initiative. When my wife told me what she did, I asked Tess to tell me about it and I told her how proud I was of her for doing that. She'll never admit it, but it mattered.  ;)

"I love you."

There are no more powerful words than I love you, and sadly these words seem to get harder to say to our kids as they get older. My little guy Will still gives me great big hugs, and I tell him how much I love him all the time. When he makes me laugh with  his sarcastic comments, I tell him I love him and his jokes. When he uses the word "amalgamation" in a sentence and tells me he was bored in school and found the word when he was reading the dictionary, I tell him I love him and he amazes me all the time.


The words "I love you" can become a bit cliche or be embarrassing as kids get older ... "Oh, Dad... please (insert eye roll or furrowed brow here).  They can be left unsaid for so long that we forget their meaning and power. Don't let that happen. This Father's Day, find the moment. Say the words with meaning. You'll find they can go even better with a hug.