Relaxing Takes a Lot of Work -- and Isn't All That Relaxing

August.  It's peak vacation time.  Everyone is squeezing in those last minute trips to soak up every bit of fun before the kids go back to school and the post Labor Day frenzy at the office begins.

It's time to lay back and chill out, right?  Hit the beach.  Head to the mountains.  Leave the the laundry and cooking behind.  Go somewhere to just sit back, enjoy the kids, read a book and be pampered. Maybe stop shaving and forget about work.  But, the truth is relaxing takes a lot of work.

Lessons in the Work of Relaxing

In fact, the pre-relaxing stress can drain you.  My wife Elena is the most relaxed and laid back person I know.  Last year, she was stranded on I-95 in Delaware with three kids and a broken down  minivan loaded with  a week's full of beach gear.  Just imagine!  She never broke a sweat and kept smiling for the entire tow back to NJ (I was stranded in NJ with my new job).  She even emailed me a photo of the "fun."

But, Elena isn't relaxed when it comes to her vacation planning.  She takes her relaxing seriously.  She attacks vacations with a precision and efficiency that make a NASA launch seem like child's play.
 
She begins with research.  Whether it is Disney, Lego Land, the Outer Banks or Seabrook Island, you can be sure she has examined every house, hotel, on-line brochure available.  She has looked at every promotion, deal and "expert guide" a good Google search can get you. She has mentally checked on everyone's pet peeves, allergies and dietary needs to make sure we will all be happy. 

Then there is the pre-trip shopping ... days of packing ... mapped-out directions and alternate routes ... making sure the kids have every swimming goggle, DS game and snack they desire ... collecting enough hardware -- headphones, mini-iPads, a SanDisk for wireless movie storage -- to put a Best Buy out of business  ... and cleaning the house from top to bottom before we leave ("I like to come home to a clean house"). 

Before we step out the door, my laid back sweeetheart could use a pre-trip drink and a day at the spa.  But, she is ready to relax.

Disentangling from Work

Elena is so terrific on the prep, I just have to pack a bag, load up the car and get in the driver's seat to mindlessly follow her every command.
 
My one pre-trip job is to get myself disentangled from work, so that I can be fully present and enjoy the time with family.



Like Elena, I start well in advance. Block my calendar and adjust my schedule.  Then I basically try to get that vacation week's worth of work done ahead of time.  Lots of late nights the week before vacation to get the deck cleared and hand-offs ready. 

I recently did an interview for a magazine with one our executives about this topic, and she shared some awesome tips that I have been trying to follow more and more.  Here is my take:

1. Set the boundaries -- It's hard to disconnect.  Some people can walk out the door and not look back.  Others need to stay tethered constantly.  Everyone has to find a balance and a boundary that works for them.  I am no role model (ask my kids and wife).  I have a compulsive need -- or work ethic -- that makes check my email, but on vacation I do it once a day now.  Being able to sort my email and direct traffic keeps my stress level down and helps me relax.  I don't have to wonder what might be festering at the office or come home to 1,000 emails on a Sunday night. 

My biggest change has been using two phones.  When I leave work, I forward my work cell phone calls to my personal cell phone, so co-workers can get me in an emergency (they rarely do).  But this does two things: I don't feel guilty or stressed because people know I can be reached, and it takes the temptation of work email off my phone as a constant distraction and source of worry. 

2. Be Transparent -- There are inevitably going to be intrusions from work.  It is the world we live in, but everyone is in the same boat and most people I have worked with will respect your boundaries and encourage you to take a break.  People want to think they will get the same courtesy -- and protection -- when they are away.  Set up your "out of office" on email and voicemail, pointing people to other colleagues.  Be clear in your messages if you will be checking -- occasionally or not at all -- and stick to it.  Once you break that boundary, the flood gates may open or you become ensnared in something that sucks you right back to work mode. 

3. Make It a Priority -- Work comes with all sorts of pressures -- real ones and ones that we build up in our own minds from being insecure or uncertain of our situation.  Make family time a priority and think about the long-term benefit of that.  Will it matter to me if I made that conference call two weeks or two  years from now?  Instead, think "Will my kids and I share a moment, lesson or a laugh -- and will that memory matter in 10 days or maybe even 10 years from now?

My executive used a phrase I really liked.  She tries to be "mentally present where she is physically present."  When I am with my family, that is where I am.  Hopefully, I am no longer peaking at an email, or dashing off for a quick call, or even thinking about work.  I can make time for that, too, but be fully present where you ARE.

A friend of mine shared a great article with me today about a practice that the company Daimler has undertaken to help its employees disconnect from work and find time to relax:

"The German carmaker Daimler is offering its employees a blissful solution. With the company’s “mail on holiday” inbox feature, correspondents will be told to contact someone else because all email sent to this person while they are on holiday will just be deleted. That’s right: destroyed. Gone. Imagine the calm of getting home. No horrifically bulging inbox. Nothing to “catch up” on."

The truth is ... relaxing sounds simple, but it takes a lot of work.  When you get it right, though, isn't it worth it? Relax...